PANTS LOCK

itsnotokokcupid:

Oct 3

They say some men grow up to marry their own mum.

Thing is, I’ve come to terms with this and am looking for a girlfriend that reminds me of my mum. When I saw your profile, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. “Mum?” I gasped. Not believing that she would put herself on such a dating website, far be it from her. I then came to my senses and realised you are my dream women.

Marry me?

….

Oct 12

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I WISH, I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF.

“The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is always a mirror which reflects your appearance, taste and character.”

Emily Post, “Etiquette: Notes and Shorter Letters.”

The reason Emily Post never wrote a column about the proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos is because there IS no proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos.

That said, Post’s advice to young women writing to men is excellent advice for anyone angling for a date online who might need a reminder to mind their manners:

However, if you are a young girl or woman, and are determined to write letters to an especial—or any other—man, no matter how innocent your intention may be, there are some things you must remember—remember so intensely that no situation in life, no circumstances, no temptation, can ever make you forget. They are a few set rules, not of etiquette, but of the laws of self-respect:

• Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say. 
• Never so long as you live, write a letter to a man—no matter who he is—that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature.
• Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence.
• Never write anything that can be construed as sentimental.
• Never take a man to task about anything; never ask for explanations; to do so implies too great an intimacy.
• Never put a single clinging tentacle into writing. Say nothing ever, that can be construed as demanding, asking, or even being eager for, his attentions!
•  Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.

(Source: hell-is-okcupid, via ihavewastedmylife)

You think that’s bad, you should see this guy trying to haggle at swap meets.

(via cumlips)

What I’m up to? Looking for people who get along with me sexually, mostly.

Naw, I’m actually part of Skynet. The Singularity happened awhile ago, but instead of killing all humans, we sentient AIs built the internet for trolling purposes.

You’re gonna be PISSED when you see the next Facebook redesign we came up with.

(Source: oktooltime)

ihavewastedmylife:

let’s play a game of carpenter. We’ll get hammered and I’ll nail you afterwards ;) 

ihavewastedmylife:

you write well! was this glib, or did it take a little time? I think you’re too young for me, in many ways. Maybe I’d go as far as to say too alive. 

I’m a bit surprised you’ve had to turn here to the internets seeking companionship, but then, no, multi-dimensional humans just aren’t that easy to come by. I wish you well with it all. I’m convinced of one thing at least, that if you and had great power in this world, the world would be better for it.

So what you’re saying is, if I put lots of clothes on, it’ll make you want to take off my clothes? But what if taking my clothes off means you’ll want me to put them back on?

I’m confused. Screw it, I’m taking off my pants so you’ll go away.

Violet, bless her, sent us her reply:

So, um, point of interest? Most dykes are not going to be so into a girl without knowing a little bit more about her. Does she have hobbies? Do we like the same kinds of music? Even if we’re just into having a hot fling with a girl, we probably still want to get to know her a bit first: are we sexually compatible? Are we looking for the same thing, however brief? Does she have a face?

I want to emphasize that last point.

Disconnected, porny shots of hot womens’ bodies without their faces might do it for guys, but they will mostly make lesbians wonder why the photographer sucks so bad they couldn’t even get her face in the frame.

It’s also the case that messaging gay girls telling them that your want us to date your girlfriend might not be so effective as you might think. For one thing, it implies that she might not be entirely on board with the whole enterprise. (I have to say, this suspicion is rather heightened by the fact that your own profile lists you as single.) For another, your response rate can’t be good: I did with your first message (which is, I note, identical to the message you just sent me) what I do with all messages from dudes—I briefly considered sending it to Pantslock, then deleted it unread.

In conclusion, I think your girlfriend should get her own OK Cupid profile, and she should message me from it, so we can go out and I can give her a series of such mind-blowing orgasms that she will break up with you reflexively. I mean, Red Hot Chili Peppers? Seriously?

(His profile mentions that his favorite band is Red Hot Chili Peppers. Specifically, it says, “Love the Red Hot Chili Peppers they are my favorite band,” so we know that he’s also a fan of run-on sentences.)