PANTS LOCK

Romance may be dead, but pooping glitter on its grave is just unfair.

“The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is always a mirror which reflects your appearance, taste and character.”

Emily Post, “Etiquette: Notes and Shorter Letters.”

The reason Emily Post never wrote a column about the proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos is because there IS no proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos.

That said, Post’s advice to young women writing to men is excellent advice for anyone angling for a date online who might need a reminder to mind their manners:

However, if you are a young girl or woman, and are determined to write letters to an especial—or any other—man, no matter how innocent your intention may be, there are some things you must remember—remember so intensely that no situation in life, no circumstances, no temptation, can ever make you forget. They are a few set rules, not of etiquette, but of the laws of self-respect:

• Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say. 
• Never so long as you live, write a letter to a man—no matter who he is—that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature.
• Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence.
• Never write anything that can be construed as sentimental.
• Never take a man to task about anything; never ask for explanations; to do so implies too great an intimacy.
• Never put a single clinging tentacle into writing. Say nothing ever, that can be construed as demanding, asking, or even being eager for, his attentions!
•  Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.

(Source: hell-is-okcupid, via ihavewastedmylife)

Before you hit “send,” read what you’ve said out loud. If you said it to someone at, say, a cafe, be honest: would you get a flirty smile, or would it end up looking like a brawl scene from “Road House”?

Whew, it’s a good thing you accidentally invoked Godwin’s Law in sentence two! Now I don’t have to spend half a second deciding whether I could stand someone who uses the word “whilst.”*

* And who splashes out on five-dollar vocabulary words but can’t spell “intact” or “en masse” or “Legions” or “conquistadores.”

What I’m up to? Looking for people who get along with me sexually, mostly.

Naw, I’m actually part of Skynet. The Singularity happened awhile ago, but instead of killing all humans, we sentient AIs built the internet for trolling purposes.

You’re gonna be PISSED when you see the next Facebook redesign we came up with.

I’ll pass.

Dick.

Good thing I have ears twice the size of my head, because without echolocation, there’s no way could I find the humor in that weak-ass joke.

So what you’re saying is, if I put lots of clothes on, it’ll make you want to take off my clothes? But what if taking my clothes off means you’ll want me to put them back on?

I’m confused. Screw it, I’m taking off my pants so you’ll go away.

Capitalized pronouns? This must be what it looks like when people text God.