PANTS LOCK |
How not to get into someone's pants online: put your best foot forward... and right into your mouth. These are real "hello" messages and chat transcripts from dating sites. Submit your own, or get updates on Twitter. |
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Notes Right, because literary criticism so often ends in a blowjob.When I write your biography, I will title it, “The Resentful Heterosexual.” That’s just the working title. It may morph into something more risqué like, “I Hate Men, But I Love Penis!” Anyway, that’s the impression I get from your profile. I’ve been wrong before. Correct me if you can.
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NotesYou’re joking right?
I’m intrigued by your profile. But not sold…yet. I’m looking for someone that is terribly special, not just another pretty face. Good looks are so common in this town that they just don’t impress me anymore. You seem smart, which is a must but I need some soul, some style. Is that you?Two equally horrifying mental images:
1. A dude regularly sits at his computer with his brow furrowed in concentration, composing dating-site messages with his spine-cracked, dog-eared book on pick-up artist techniques open to the “negging” chapter.
2. Some asshole actually talks like this.
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NotesI read your profile and I find you annoyingly attractive, you just have overwhelming characters and these bad girl mannerisms on your face!! -
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NotesI think you probably date a lot even though you are somewhat weird. Most guys, including myself, fall for the good looks initially.Honey, I’m not “somewhat” weird. I have two master’s degrees in bizarreness and not falling for your bullshit negging.
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it feels like i went to school with you at TJC or somethin’, let me know if you recognized me ever cause i was just curious and stoned. If you dont feel like replying back then i guess that would make you a dick, not to sound awkward or anything but you would.
Naw, you don’t sound awkward. Controlling, passive-aggressive, resentful and entitled, but smooth.
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NotesMy God, where did you pick up this inferiority complex? You’d think having a bitching taste in books and/or being a cute redhead would be enough to negate that, but it seems this hasn’t been the.Something something something living in a culture predicated on dudes thinking they can just waltz in and tell a women she’s doing it wrong with no regard to context, compassion or manners mumble mumble case in point good luck dying alone
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Notesi’m a suck-her for a white girl, i love white women with european decent, you have good height and average body, nice alternative look, you can show me your wild side, wear something sexy for me so i can get turned on even more. i’m ready for you, can we have drinks at your place -
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NotesUh-oh, someone’s a brat, I can tell already. OMG. Coming on a little strong, don’t you think.
Pretty fucking cute though. I like your style. Nice bod. Dammit.
But looks only go so far. Why don’t you write *something* about yourself, and give us something to go on. I mean the important things: You ticklish? Good kisser? Up for adventure?
I trust you had a good weekend. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done lately?I dunno, set some bossy fucker from the internet on fire?
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Via The Hairpin.
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What the hell?!
Are you trying to write an epic there..? trim that profile a bit.Thanks, total stranger! I was so worried I was doing this internet thing wrong by writing about things I care about, hoping to catch the attention of people with common interests and the attention spans of adults. Instead I guess I’ll trim it down so I don’t accidentally bore jerks I wouldn’t date because they give rude, unsolicited advice to people who couldn’t give a shit about them.
kthxbai!
