PANTS LOCK

"i feel like my life is a dark comedy like war of the roses or duplex. so yah. feel free to stalkerly..."

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“i feel like my life is a dark comedy like war of the roses or duplex. so yah. feel free to stalkerly peruse my profile and arrive at a judgement on whether or not i am worthy of responding to, based on my crude attempt at charm/wit/candidness in the fields therein. Also, what does sarcasm mean?”

- This being the internet, there’s only a ten percent chance he’s joking.

"There is something I would want to do with you. Of course this would only take place after dinner..."

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:31:05 -0800

“There is something I would want to do with you.
Of course this would only take place after dinner and maybe a hot tub.”

- Awesome! I’ve always wanted to learn Estonian folk dancing! But what’s the hot tub got to do with it?

"Halloween Hunt is fun Great America To the rides, here we come I tried to write you a haiku, but..."

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 15:30:00 -0800

“

Halloween Hunt is fun
Great America
To the rides, here we come

I tried to write you a haiku, but that’s the best I can do.

Hi! ^_^

”

- There’s a special circle of hell for folks who think a single uneven rhyme in questionable meter is the ultimate undies-dropper, where they read their own work aloud to each other forever.

"Wow!..I like your profile and your picture…..OH! and your smile…………..."

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“Wow!..I like your profile and your picture…..OH! and your smile………… feel free to not respond…. however, I know we’d get along …whatya gotta lose?”

- What I risk losing by immediately accepting every offer tendered by a rando who likes my smile, ascending order of seriousness:

An hour

Two hours

My standards

My dignity

My head

"RED LOOKS NICE ON U"

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“RED LOOKS NICE ON U”

- But I’m not wearing red. At all. In any of my photos.

"I was trying to send you a message not setup a date. I just wanted to say that you have good taste...."

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:32:06 -0800

“I was trying to send you a message not setup a date. I just wanted to say that you have good taste. I hope you are getting what you want out of this whole online dating thing.”

- Well, considering we’ve never communicated before, I have no idea what you’re talking about or why you think you know so much about me, and I’m completely baffled as to who you are and what’s going on, it’s a little weird. But I’m a David Lynch fan, so to answer your question: Yes.

"you look so hot ! would you like see a movie in my apartment ?"

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:31:06 -0800

“you look so hot ! would you like see a movie in my apartment ?”

- Sure! I’ve love to be trapped in a small, unfamiliar enclosed space with someone who is, statistically speaking, probably not a serial killer.

"do u have a skype cause ive got a pierced cock id like to show u"

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 15:30:06 -0800

“do u have a skype cause ive got a pierced cock id like to show u”

- Do you have a minute? ‘Cause I’ve got some social mores I’d like to show you.

"I read your profile and I see you look like swordfish because you are lovely, beautiful and have..."

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:30:06 -0800

“I read your profile and I see you look like swordfish because you are lovely, beautiful and have strong personality and fighter.”

- Aw, I bet you say that to all the gills.

"I would ask you to paint my toe nails but as i only have….3, maybe 4 at a push it would be a..."

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:31:05 -0800

“I would ask you to paint my toe nails but as i only have….3, maybe 4 at a push it would be a fairly short, and not very pleasant task…..”

"I play Chess…but only for money. The economic recession has forced me to turn a geeky past time into..."

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“I play Chess…but only for money. The economic recession has forced me to turn a geeky past time into a cash cow. Sorry, that’s just how I roll. ANYWAY, I’d hate to describe myself as intellectual and/or curious. Trying to be modest here. Yeah, I can read. I’m literate. But I also think a fat guy falling down a flight of stairs is funnier than ANY clever witticism. So sue me.”

- Bobby “Ballin’” Fisher, what hast thou wrought?

"Your myths and fables are inspiring. How I long to hear them from your lips. Do you ever turn them..."

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“

Your myths and fables are inspiring. How I long to hear them from your lips. Do you ever turn them into songs?

I would write you a Lay, a verbal, sonic feast for your symmetric teeth. I know you are currently partnered, but could you use a bard or minstrel?

”

- Tell you what: You can be my bard, as long as you follow me around all day, every day, playing the theme from “Shaft.” We can switch it up at the gym with the theme from “Rocky.”

"I have been alone 4 a long time and its time that i get myself back in the game of finding a female..."

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

“I have been alone 4 a long time and its time that i get myself back in the game of finding a female to love, cuz its no fun going to bed alone; 5 knuckle shuffle isnt doing it 4 me anymore”

- Man, I can’t wait until we get to know each other and the barriers start coming down and we can get all relaxed and secure and share what we’re really thinking.

"I live about 15 miles north of San Jose. 30 miles south of San Francisco. Have you visited this..."

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:38:05 -0800

“I live about 15 miles north of San Jose. 30 miles south of San Francisco. Have you visited this area? If we get along online I would love to fly you out here for a visit or I would be happy to visit you.”

- Sure, you can fly me to San Francisco. From San Francisco. Where I live. Which it says on my profile.

"30 yr old former adult film star here … divorced daddy of one son so yes im wild but not..."

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:33:05 -0800

“30 yr old former adult film star here … divorced daddy of one son so yes im wild but not “2” wild lol… maybe u wanna chat u look fun as hell
lol”

- Dude, lose the “lols.” Former adult film star, divorced and dad are already a lot to process at once, so the last thing I need is the mental image of you hyena-laughing in your underpants after every unfunny sentence.

"I love sex very much and need it all the time. That being the case I need to have multiple lovers to..."

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:33:05 -0800

“I love sex very much and need it all the time. That being the case I need to have multiple lovers to full fill my needs. I feel we have alot incommon and I would love to get to know you better. I am alot of fun in and out of bed but I am a great sex partner.”

- “I have genitals! You probably have genitals! God, we have so much in common!”

"You’re joking right? I’m intrigued by your profile. But not sold…yet. I’m looking for someone that..."

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:31:05 -0800

“You’re joking right?
I’m intrigued by your profile. But not sold…yet. I’m looking for someone that is terribly special, not just another pretty face. Good looks are so common in this town that they just don’t impress me anymore. You seem smart, which is a must but I need some soul, some style. Is that you?”

- Two equally horrifying mental images:

1. A dude regularly sits at his computer with his brow furrowed in concentration, composing dating-site messages with his spine-cracked, dog-eared book on pick-up artist techniques open to the “negging” chapter.

2. Some asshole actually talks like this.

get this guy an editorial gig

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:30:05 -0800

Him: your pretty
Me: my pretty what
Him: Ur pretty

"Well your not saying a lot on the im thingy so i thought i should send you a little of my work let..."

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:31:05 -0800

“Well your not saying a lot on the im thingy so i thought i should send you a little of my work let me know what you think…..”

- Wow, thanks for the long, long poem mentioning mirrors, screaming, high school, souls, voices in your head and “penetrating gazes”! Now I can invite my friends over for a fast-paced game of Maladjusted Bingo!

"…you probably don’t know it yet, but you should feel flattered right now… hahahah..."

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:31:06 -0800

“…you probably don’t know it yet, but you should feel flattered right now… hahahah - part of me thinks I should say more - like about me. but most of me thinks that this statement stands enough on its own, it’s not a pick up line, just true.”

- I can relate: Part of me wants to punch you in the neck, but most of me wants to punch you square in the face.

Hahahah.