PANTS LOCK

"Wanna take a Cleveland sparkle on my chest?"

Mon, 14 May 2012 15:31:17 -0700

“Wanna take a Cleveland sparkle on my chest?”

- Romance may be dead, but pooping glitter on its grave is just unfair.

http://itsnotokokcupid.tumblr.com/post/20967551858/i-wish-i-were-a-dog

Thu, 10 May 2012 15:31:23 -0700

http://itsnotokokcupid.tumblr.com/post/20967551858/i-wish-i-were-a-dog:

itsnotokokcupid:

Oct 3

They say some men grow up to marry their own mum.

Thing is, I’ve come to terms with this and am looking for a girlfriend that reminds me of my mum. When I saw your profile, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. “Mum?” I gasped. Not believing that she would put herself on such a dating website, far be it from her. I then came to my senses and realised you are my dream women.

Marry me?

….

Oct 12

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I WISH, I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF.

“The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is...

Wed, 09 May 2012 15:30:44 -0700

“The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is always a mirror which reflects your appearance, taste and character.”

Emily Post, “Etiquette: Notes and Shorter Letters.”

The reason Emily Post never wrote a column about the proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos is because there IS no proper way to tell someone you wank to their photos.

That said, Post’s advice to young women writing to men is excellent advice for anyone angling for a date online who might need a reminder to mind their manners:

However, if you are a young girl or woman, and are determined to write letters to an especial—or any other—man, no matter how innocent your intention may be, there are some things you must remember—remember so intensely that no situation in life, no circumstances, no temptation, can ever make you forget. They are a few set rules, not of etiquette, but of the laws of self-respect:

Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say.

Never so long as you live, write a letter to a man—no matter who he is—that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature.

Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence.

Never write anything that can be construed as sentimental.

Never take a man to task about anything; never ask for explanations; to do so implies too great an intimacy.

Never put a single clinging tentacle into writing. Say nothing ever, that can be construed as demanding, asking, or even being eager for, his attentions!

Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.

"young mums are my fetish :) do you have milk in your tits :)"

Mon, 07 May 2012 15:30:50 -0700

“young mums are my fetish :) do you have milk in your tits :)”

- Before you hit “send,” read what you’ve said out loud. If you said it to someone at, say, a cafe, be honest: would you get a flirty smile, or would it end up looking like a brawl scene from “Road House”?

You think that’s bad, you should see this guy trying to...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:31:02 -0700

You think that’s bad, you should see this guy trying to haggle at swap meets.

"Creatures, including people, matter to me, it follows that how and what they think has merit. Nazis,..."

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 16:21:05 -0700

“Creatures, including people, matter to me, it follows that how and what they think has merit. Nazis, Conqistadores, Roman Legons and the like only conferred such honor upon a preferred demographic whilst the remainder were merely fodder to be enslaved or simply slaughtered on masse. What makes us different, gives us pause and empathetically connects us in kindred spirituality is that our individual humanities remain at leaset ostensibly fully entact. It is by virtue of this hope’s validity that you continue to occupy the pole position at the top of the list of advanced search results. Needless, I’ve high hopes for you =)”

- Whew, it’s a good thing you accidentally invoked Godwin’s Law in sentence two! Now I don’t have to spend half a second deciding whether I could stand someone who uses the word “whilst.”*

* And who splashes out on five-dollar vocabulary words but can’t spell “intact” or “en masse” or “Legions” or “conquistadores.”

"Although sexually I don’t think we’d get along I’m totally down for meeting up and..."

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 15:30:12 -0700

“Although sexually I don’t think we’d get along I’m totally down for meeting up and seeing what you’re up to if you’d like!”

- What I’m up to? Looking for people who get along with me sexually, mostly.

Right, because literary criticism so often ends in a blowjob.

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 15:30:22 -0700

ihavewastedmylife:

When I write your biography, I will title it, “The Resentful Heterosexual.” That’s just the working title. It may morph into something more risqué like, “I Hate Men, But I Love Penis!” Anyway, that’s the impression I get from your profile. I’ve been wrong before. Correct me if you can.

somesimplelovestories: my name is holden.

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:28:08 -0700

somesimplelovestories:

my name is holden.

"5. The Secret - This person is just sitting at home, putting it out into the universe that someone will put up with their flaky shit. Stand up for science! Prove them wrong!"

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:30:00 -0700

"5. The Secret - This person is just sitting at home, putting it out into the universe that someone will put up with their flaky shit. Stand up for science! Prove them wrong!":

Hey, look, it’s an old-ish link with a bunch of our favorite things: books, Joey Comeau, dating-site red flags, and Joey Comeau with his shirt off.*

Open Book Toronto: 5 “Favourite Books” that are a warning sign on dating profiles

* Hey Joey, don’t make this editor a liar. Take off your shirt!

Fuck your radical self-entitlement.

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:29:34 -0700

Fuck your radical self-entitlement.:

cuteordeath:

Fuck you slut - I want you to know that I do not give a shit about the fact that you know that I like Burningman. Regardless I still thing we could get along.

"You’re very cute not to young but im hoping you’re real"

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 15:30:06 -0700

“You’re very cute not to young but im hoping you’re real”

- Naw, I’m actually part of Skynet. The Singularity happened awhile ago, but instead of killing all humans, we sentient AIs built the internet for trolling purposes.

You’re gonna be PISSED when you see the next Facebook redesign we came up with.

Photo

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 15:28:00 -0700

"Hi Kitten: I am looking for a new pussy and you might be the one. Please review my profile and..."

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 15:29:08 -0700

“

Hi Kitten:

I am looking for a new pussy and you might be the one.

Please review my profile and reply ASAP.

Have a nice day.

”

- I’ll pass.

Dick.

Ways I Waste Time has brilliant, pithy answers to OKC’s...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 15:30:38 -0700

Ways I Waste Time has brilliant, pithy answers to OKC’s match questions. Make sure to read the tags.

(This one is great, too. So’s this one.)

"what did the bat say to his girlfriend? you’re fun to hang around with :)"

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 15:29:57 -0700

“

what did the bat say to his girlfriend?

you’re fun to hang around with :)

”

- Good thing I have ears twice the size of my head, because without echolocation, there’s no way could I find the humor in that weak-ass joke.

But I'm TIRED of my dates ending up in the ER, bleeding and crying.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:30:41 -0700

ihavewastedmylife:

let’s play a game of carpenter. We’ll get hammered and I’ll nail you afterwards ;)

Aw, don’t you love it when they try to help?

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 15:30:13 -0700

Aw, don’t you love it when they try to help?

So, I should be more dead and possibly the next Kim Jong Il?

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:28:01 -0700

ihavewastedmylife:

you write well! was this glib, or did it take a little time? I think you’re too young for me, in many ways. Maybe I’d go as far as to say too alive.

I’m a bit surprised you’ve had to turn here to the internets seeking companionship, but then, no, multi-dimensional humans just aren’t that easy to come by. I wish you well with it all. I’m convinced of one thing at least, that if you and had great power in this world, the world would be better for it.

"You are a very beautiful man, and you look good completely covered. Be well."

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:29:37 -0700

“You are a very beautiful man, and you look good completely covered. Be well.”

- So what you’re saying is, if I put lots of clothes on, it’ll make you want to take off my clothes? But what if taking my clothes off means you’ll want me to put them back on?

I’m confused. Screw it, I’m taking off my pants so you’ll go away.